Will Not Stand

It has taken me two days to find the words to express what I am feeling right now and I have wavered on whether or not it was a good idea to post this. I wanted to approach this without swearing, yelling, or throwing around insults (let me tell you how hard it is to type this without using the phrase “bigoted toupee wearing potato”) because none of that will get us anywhere. In all honesty, I’m not even sure that my words will make a difference either. However in light of what has gone down in the last few days, let alone in the last year, I feel as if my words are all I have.

We are going to start out with exactly what I want to say to which I’m sure some of my friends and family will scoff at and get upset about, but I refuse to apologize for my opinions and feelings: Trump should not be President.

Let me give you a moment to rant and rave…okay, you good? No? Well I’m moving along anyway.

I could sit here and list off bullet points and sources until I am blue in the face, but it wouldn’t matter because I feel its like shouting facts at a wall sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against your opinion, it just does not and will never reflect my own in regards to this election. Call me what you’d like, I can promise you I have heard worse…shoot I will probably hear worse in the future. It doesn’t matter because it won’t devalue my opinion.

That however strikes on a point that I did want to discuss with the audience:

The outcome of this election scares the ever loving shit out of me.

Yes I know, I know. I promised no swearing, but I’m not using it toward someone so I will forgive myself. Anyway, Tuesday evening I walked into my polling place and cast my vote for the candidate that I felt was the most qualified and best fit for the job of President of my country…and that person was not Donald Trump. Why is that? Because the man absolutely scares me. He had proven that time and time again as he ran his campaign on a platform of racism, hatred and fear. That alone scares me. The fact that not only did he run on this platform, but that people liked it baffles me. Why is it that as a country we still harbor so many prejudices and racist beliefs? What good does that hatred do? No, seriously I want you to answer me. What does racism and prejudice towards people different from you do for you? What do you get out of it?

I’m waiting…

…That’s what I thought.

On top of the racism there is the sexism. I don’t know what worried me more in the last month or so, the tapes revealed to the public with the infamous “grab them by the pussy” phrase, or the fact that people moments after his win were posting to twitter, facebook and other forms of social media that they would grab the first woman they saw by the pussy because if their president could do it then so could they. If I am being honest both of these things are terrifying to me as a woman. I myself, as well as just about every woman in my life, is scared enough to walk (at night or in broad day light it doesn’t matter) alone as it is, this just makes our world significantly more horrifying. When you have someone practically advocating for sexual assault like it’s no big deal in a position of power like this, something is extremely wrong. The man has had more than one rape allegation. One should have been enough for people, but then again I guess I have too much faith in a world that still continues to ask what a woman was wearing or how much she had to drink when they come forward to report it. I have seen how sexual assault can effect someone and I never want to see anyone else have to experience that.

Having him in office makes me fear for the safety of my friends, my family, and myself. I said I wouldn’t bullet point things, but I feel like its necessary to explain why I am so afraid of having this man as our commander and chief. I sat reading stories this morning from people already experiencing the blatant racism, unwanted sexual advances and verbal assaults from just THE FIRST DAY of him winning the election. The list of stories was so long it made me sick and I felt like I was drowning in the waves of emotion I was feeling for these people ranging from sadness and wanting to cry, to outrage, to flat out anger. That last point is huge for me because as a person with extremely high empathy levels you tend to not get angry about things very often, but when you do…run for cover man. I am still in disbelief that this is something that suddenly people are completely unashamed of. Has our history taught us nothing?

I feel like we have just made a huge step backwards and I woke up the morning after the election with this sense of dread at the back of my head, that in a way confirmed what I had had feared the night prior. I saw people posting about it in my facebook feed and I didn’t want to believe it was real. The minute the news showed him standing at the podium, smug smile on his face, talking about getting a phone call from Secretary Clinton, I felt a few tears roll down my face. Call it melodramatic if you’d like, but I absolutely disagree with you. I watched a hate filled, unqualified human being accept a position I don’t believe he should have been nominated for in the first place.

I voted for Hilary. I wanted Hilary in office, as did the entire country if you look at the popular vote. She lost the election because for some reason the electoral college is able to have blatant disregard for what the people want. Yes I stood with Hilary and if you are going to bring up the emails…please, kindly, sit the fuck down. Her issues are far less in comparison to the man that now stands as President Elect. She is married to a former President of the United States, she was a senator, she was secretary of state, she was so qualified to do this job it’s not even funny and if you would like to tell me that a list with a single bullet point problem is worse than a list with about 70 (exaggeration perhaps, but it’s still a hell of a lot longer than hers) then you need to sit down and explain to me thoroughly why.

I’m tired of living in a world where hatred is more acceptable than kindness. I’m tired of living in a world where I have to fear for my friends and family every election. I’m tired of having my reproductive rights discussed like I am not allowed to control my own body. I’m tired of living in a world where rape and assault are trivialized as just “locker room talk.” I’m just tired. I am so, so tired and I am sick of living in a system where the majority rule is out right ignored in favor of what the electoral college wants.

I am sick, tired, and I have a migraine that will not go away right now.

I have a need for something happier in my life as I’m sure everyone does right now too.

However I will not apologize for my anger, my need to speak up and fight in every way I can.

I do not stand with him.

From the Desk of M.A.: Respect

I thought I would bring you guys a personal post today to break up some of the story and poetry overflow, and by overflow I mean the last 3 posts from between today and yesterday. That’s a lot from me. Come on…everyone knows that by now.

So I wanted to discuss yesterday with you guys because it was a pretty exciting day for me. My sister and I bought tickets several months ago for a music festival that is run by our local alternative music station. The festival itself is only about 3 years old now, but it’s been really exciting regardless because it’s the first alternative music festival I can think of (in my time at least aside from like warped tour) that we have had in the area. I digress. They typically have 9 performing artists so it’s an all day event which is awesome albeit I am very, very crispy. Before we ask: no I did not put sunscreen on before hand, yes I did once I got there and noticed I started to burn a tad, but I feel like there was no saving my skin from utter destruction yesterday.

The point of this was not to ramble on and on about my sunburn, though I am hurting pretty bad today, really I wanted to talk about the band I went to this festival to see: AWOLNATION.

So AWOLNATION was the headlining act for this years festival which is awesome because I have had several opportunities to see them while they were in town, but always had plans for the day of the concert. What sucks the most about that is my plans always fell through the day before the concert and left me no time to try to come up with a ticket. So being able to finally see them was just awesome to me, but it got a little better when they were coming through the entry line selling meet and greet wrist bands. I understand that happens all the time at concerts, trust me I’m aware. Why that was an important detail to note is that had I gotten in line any later and waited for the friend I was supposed to meet up with like I had originally planned I would have missed that opportunity.

Now, a little back story for you guys to understand why this meet and greet was such a big deal to me. So back in the days when I was on tumblr (hush I know, I know) there was a video that came out of nowhere that had the song “Sail” playing in the background of it and just like everyone else on that site I fell in love with that song. Not long after that they released a video for “Not Your Fault” which mind you was a lyric video and I was sold. I ended up getting my hands on the first album they released not long after that and I listened to that album until I was sure I was going to break either the CD player in my car or just totally wear out my iPod.

So okay that was a normal story I guess, but that was in maybe at the latest 2012 and I still to this day listen to that album. Their music has had such a special place in my life and memories. I remember listening to the deluxe edition of their album driving out to see my ex-boyfriend. I listened to it a lot when I was in the studio working on pieces for class (I totally forgot most of you have no idea that writing is actually my minor. My college degree is actually in Jewelry Design, hence the studio time.) as well as just having it on while I was writing or designing things. Really their music means a whole lot to me, so naturally I was excited and a little nervous to meet them and tell them just how much I appreciated their music.

And in normal M.A. fashion…I’m pretty sure I turned into a babbling idiot. When I get nervous I tend to not be sure what to say so I naturally defaulted to the one thing I know how to talk about: design. So I mean I did get a chance to compliment the singer’s ring, but didn’t really get a chance to tell them what I wanted to because I was nervous. Everyone gets a little nervous around the people they have respect for, my nervousness just made me feel like an idiot. REGARDLESS it was an amazing show. I love that feeling you get when you can feel the bass resonating in your throat and chest, but man this resonated through my entire body and it was honestly a weirdly awesome experience.

A word of advice too, because my phone battery had died right before the set I never got to take any photos or video from the show. I have never enjoyed myself at a show before so much. It’s odd because I’m a tad deflated that I didn’t take any photos yesterday, but I feel like I appreciated it so much more because I wasn’t watching through a camera. It gave me a chance to really dance around and enjoy the energy of a concert. It really was great.

ALRIGHT.

Now for those of you who have stuck through this really random post about my awkwardness…bless you, you beautiful human beings. You are also rewarded with finding out what’s coming up next on the story front.

Currently I am working desperately on the final installments of For the Love of Gods so that should be coming up soon and then I have another series up my sleeve and in the works. This one is going to be a different style than the last ones.

What I mean is that the next set of stories to expect will fall under one title Clockwork and they will each post will be their own defined story as opposed to the chapter like installments that I have been working in up until this point. There was nothing wrong with the chapters, I just needed to work in a different format and to push my own boundaries. Try something new.

On top of continuing the bigger series, I will still be trying to keep up to date with the Dailypost one word prompts. I found them to be a really helpful tool in keeping myself writing consistently. I am toying with separating them into their own tab in the navigation on the blog homepage just to encompass the shorter stories and flash fiction, so if I do that tab will probably pop up in the next week or so. There is also the new tab of “Something A Little Different” as well where you can now find poetry or anything else that cannot be crammed into the story sections.

So to sum everything up: M.A. got to meet someone she respects and screwed up a chance to tell them that, For the Love of Gods should be coming to an end soon, Clockwork will be the next series of stories to keep an eye out for, there may be some new tabs being added and I’m really sorry about the influx of my bad poetry.

Thanks again and hope you have enjoyed what I have so far.

-M.A. Connell

Something a Little Different

I thought it would be fun to share this with you.  This is the notebook that I use to write all of the stories for The Penny Dreadful Project. A few months ago when I started this blog I started writing the stories down in this book as a way to keep myself focused. I’ve always written faster and more efficiently by hand first and then editing when I transfer them over to the computer. 
I noticed today that this book is almost half full now with stories and ideas coming to life upon its pages. Starting this project has given me a reason to push myself and to create things for other people to enjoy. So I write and I share and in the process this worn out cracking notebook is being filled. 

From the Desk of M.A.: Pivots

It’s been a strange day…

Today while in the process of figuring out how I am finishing “Violet Eyes” for you all (minor details really), I may have accidentally thrown myself into an existential crisis. What caused this existential crisis?

Pivotal moments in life.

Now, you are probably sitting there wondering “But wait how can pivotal moments in your life send you into such a crisis?” If you are one of those people, bless your ability not to linger. I digress; I was thinking back onto a couple of pivotal moments in my life, one in particular but that isn’t necessary to get into really. I’m standing by myself at work and I ended up thinking back while I was working on a particular task about this moment and I couldn’t help but wonder, what would have happened had I chosen differently?

Frankly I could get into the theories of the multiverse, and how there are multiple universes where I did choose differently and all of the outcomes of deciding each way. However, that’s not what happened here so is there really a point to dwelling on it?

Probably not, but that has never stopped me before.

So instead I find myself sitting here wondering what would’ve happened if in that split second I had chosen to go with my original choice. Would I still know these people? Would we still be friends, or would it saved me some of the heartache later on? Yet it doesn’t even matter. I’m still here. I’m still the person I am today because of those decisions. If I had chosen differently I likely would still be the same person with similar experiences, but instead of regretting deciding how I did I would be regretting not deciding how I actually did.

Wow, that was kind of a headache to read looking back at it. Without divulging information, just in case, talking around the details makes me sound insane and that is exactly what is going to happen if I keep dwelling on things like I do.

It’s been awhile…

Hello, hello!

It’s been a bit since I have posted anything here, and I wanted to let anyone that follows the blog know that yes I am in fact still alive. Don’t worry. I know the blog has been at a stand still for quite some time now. Life has been a little hectic, but I have still been writing some stuff. Some for here, some for another project I’m working on. I’ll tell you more about that later on once I have everything figured out.

But I digress.

What I was intending to say is that I have a new story that will be making its way onto the blog this evening! Before you ask, no I did not forget about For the Love of Gods, that has been taking me longer than I thought it was going to so that will be finished and up eventually. In the meantime though you have a brand new story to look forward to: Violet Eyes.

Violet Eyes will be done this afternoon, so you can look for the start of that starting this evening, and then I think the next installment will be up on Sunday (maybe earlier I haven’t quite decided yet). In the mean time, enjoy the new story and I will keep the blog updated with when to expect the rest of For the Love of Gods.

And as always I hope you enjoy!

-M.A. Connell

On the Fickleness of Muses

I have been noticing over the last week that there have been some new people coming to the blog. Welcome new readers.

Now for those of you who have been around for a while yet and are waiting ever so patiently for the next installment of For the Love of Gods, I’m going to apologize as there will not be an update for the stories this week.

If you can recall the last note from me, I talked about how the muses can be some truly fickle beings, which is undoubtably true for me. However is seems that this week they have decided to take a vacation and leave me entirely on my own. The end result is a stalled story. I know where we are going and what we are trying to accomplish, it’s just currently I’m not sure how to get there.

So long story short; I want to thank you all for being patient with me and, unless I state otherwise, the next portion should be making its way here by the end of next week.

 

-M.A. Connell