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It has taken me two days to find the words to express what I am feeling right now and I have wavered on whether or not it was a good idea to post this. I wanted to approach this without swearing, yelling, or throwing around insults (let me tell you how hard it is to type this without using the phrase “bigoted toupee wearing potato”) because none of that will get us anywhere. In all honesty, I’m not even sure that my words will make a difference either. However in light of what has gone down in the last few days, let alone in the last year, I feel as if my words are all I have.
We are going to start out with exactly what I want to say to which I’m sure some of my friends and family will scoff at and get upset about, but I refuse to apologize for my opinions and feelings: Trump should not be President.
Let me give you a moment to rant and rave…okay, you good? No? Well I’m moving along anyway.
I could sit here and list off bullet points and sources until I am blue in the face, but it wouldn’t matter because I feel its like shouting facts at a wall sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against your opinion, it just does not and will never reflect my own in regards to this election. Call me what you’d like, I can promise you I have heard worse…shoot I will probably hear worse in the future. It doesn’t matter because it won’t devalue my opinion.
That however strikes on a point that I did want to discuss with the audience:
The outcome of this election scares the ever loving shit out of me.
Yes I know, I know. I promised no swearing, but I’m not using it toward someone so I will forgive myself. Anyway, Tuesday evening I walked into my polling place and cast my vote for the candidate that I felt was the most qualified and best fit for the job of President of my country…and that person was not Donald Trump. Why is that? Because the man absolutely scares me. He had proven that time and time again as he ran his campaign on a platform of racism, hatred and fear. That alone scares me. The fact that not only did he run on this platform, but that people liked it baffles me. Why is it that as a country we still harbor so many prejudices and racist beliefs? What good does that hatred do? No, seriously I want you to answer me. What does racism and prejudice towards people different from you do for you? What do you get out of it?
…That’s what I thought.
On top of the racism there is the sexism. I don’t know what worried me more in the last month or so, the tapes revealed to the public with the infamous “grab them by the pussy” phrase, or the fact that people moments after his win were posting to twitter, facebook and other forms of social media that they would grab the first woman they saw by the pussy because if their president could do it then so could they. If I am being honest both of these things are terrifying to me as a woman. I myself, as well as just about every woman in my life, is scared enough to walk (at night or in broad day light it doesn’t matter) alone as it is, this just makes our world significantly more horrifying. When you have someone practically advocating for sexual assault like it’s no big deal in a position of power like this, something is extremely wrong. The man has had more than one rape allegation. One should have been enough for people, but then again I guess I have too much faith in a world that still continues to ask what a woman was wearing or how much she had to drink when they come forward to report it. I have seen how sexual assault can effect someone and I never want to see anyone else have to experience that.
Having him in office makes me fear for the safety of my friends, my family, and myself. I said I wouldn’t bullet point things, but I feel like its necessary to explain why I am so afraid of having this man as our commander and chief. I sat reading stories this morning from people already experiencing the blatant racism, unwanted sexual advances and verbal assaults from just THE FIRST DAY of him winning the election. The list of stories was so long it made me sick and I felt like I was drowning in the waves of emotion I was feeling for these people ranging from sadness and wanting to cry, to outrage, to flat out anger. That last point is huge for me because as a person with extremely high empathy levels you tend to not get angry about things very often, but when you do…run for cover man. I am still in disbelief that this is something that suddenly people are completely unashamed of. Has our history taught us nothing?
I feel like we have just made a huge step backwards and I woke up the morning after the election with this sense of dread at the back of my head, that in a way confirmed what I had had feared the night prior. I saw people posting about it in my facebook feed and I didn’t want to believe it was real. The minute the news showed him standing at the podium, smug smile on his face, talking about getting a phone call from Secretary Clinton, I felt a few tears roll down my face. Call it melodramatic if you’d like, but I absolutely disagree with you. I watched a hate filled, unqualified human being accept a position I don’t believe he should have been nominated for in the first place.
I voted for Hilary. I wanted Hilary in office, as did the entire country if you look at the popular vote. She lost the election because for some reason the electoral college is able to have blatant disregard for what the people want. Yes I stood with Hilary and if you are going to bring up the emails…please, kindly, sit the fuck down. Her issues are far less in comparison to the man that now stands as President Elect. She is married to a former President of the United States, she was a senator, she was secretary of state, she was so qualified to do this job it’s not even funny and if you would like to tell me that a list with a single bullet point problem is worse than a list with about 70 (exaggeration perhaps, but it’s still a hell of a lot longer than hers) then you need to sit down and explain to me thoroughly why.
I’m tired of living in a world where hatred is more acceptable than kindness. I’m tired of living in a world where I have to fear for my friends and family every election. I’m tired of having my reproductive rights discussed like I am not allowed to control my own body. I’m tired of living in a world where rape and assault are trivialized as just “locker room talk.” I’m just tired. I am so, so tired and I am sick of living in a system where the majority rule is out right ignored in favor of what the electoral college wants.
I am sick, tired, and I have a migraine that will not go away right now.
I have a need for something happier in my life as I’m sure everyone does right now too.
However I will not apologize for my anger, my need to speak up and fight in every way I can.
I do not stand with him.
To be done
With crying over things
I will never have
I wonder if they’d believe me
if I said I’m not okay
when I’m really not
Would anyone believe
falling apart at the seams.
Instead I cover
hide the fact
that I am frail.
The one always strong…
like everyone else.
Sometimes I wish,
With every fiber of my being,
To leave everything behind.
I wish I could start over
Change the person I’ve become
Because sometimes I don’t like her.
She is bitter and jaded
Because she’s lost
And all she wants to do is runaway.
This morning was like waking up in a surreal nightmare.
A nightmare calculated to make my heartbreak all over again…
and it worked.