Longing

I hope you think of me.

I hope you feel the pain,

I felt for so long. 

I hope that every time you think of me,
It hurts. 
Smoldered beneath the surface. 

An itch you can never quite scratch. 
Block out the feelings.
Forget I exist.
But you’ll feel me in your veins.

Every time your heart beats,

With the sad rhythm of your love.
You’ll feel me.
Like I still feel you. 

Dailypost: sting

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Icarus

You are the sun.

A shining, blinding presence. 

Like Icarus, I’m drawn to you. 

Flying too close to the sun waiting for the wax to melt. 

The feathers to burn. 

To plummet into the sea because our feelings were not a mirror

and you never intended to reflect an emotion you couldn’t even feel…

Because you are the sun. 

Bright. 

Shining. 

Beautiful…burning me as I try to get close to you.

Open Book

She laid next to you and you wrapped your arms and legs around her. She melted into you losing herself completely. Though losing herself was the last thing she wanted, you swallowed her whole. Allowed her to forget the things she loved and took pride in. Things she would have to learn to love again while shutting herself off to anyone else because the thought of being lost completely like that scared her more than any love could be worth.

She was an open book with sealed pages. She would give what she wanted and what she could, without giving up too much of herself. Try as she might to forget you the papercuts she gets from trying to open up just sting with the memories of you.  You ruined her, sealed up the pages that she used to share with the world glue around the edges so they couldn’t be pried apart again.

Self-Destruct

I get wrapped up in my head.

Suffocated by the thoughts that live there

forgetting how to be myself.

Even if only for a moment I drown in worry…

regret…

uncertainty…

 

But the thing is I always come back.

Less confident for a time, horrified that the world will see nothing.

Nothing but a girl controlled by the ever present urge

to destroy her own happiness.

A Turbulent State of Mind

Sonia grabbed her keys off of the table and left without a word. The keys on the ring clinked together as she turned them in the ignition pulling her car away from the curb. She was sure that they would wonder where she had gone, but she didn’t care. She needed to not be a home. There were too many voices talking to her there, throwing opinions at her that she didn’t want and only left her more confused than she had started.

It wasn’t like any of them meant any harm. They all thought that they were helping, in some sense of the word, the situation at hand. She had never had to deal with something like this before and it both scared and intrigued her. However, she didn’t know what to do with half of what was handed to her so she turned to those she trusted most. Sonia knew this wasn’t always the best option, but she asked anyway and now there were too many voices telling her what she should or shouldn’t do and it was just…too much.

She drove silently chasing the bars of sunlight down the pavement as they broke through the clouds. The densely packed buildings of the city slowly melted away giving way to the golden fields of the countryside. Sonia rolled down her windows letting the wind whip her hair around her face as she tried to empty her mind. Thoughts flooded her mind making her cringe as she was forced to face some of the stupid shit she had said in moments of nervousness. It was always like turning on a faucet that couldn’t be turned off when she was nervous which meant she had some very interesting things to cope with as she drove.

Sonia had no idea where she was going. She didn’t exactly care. All she knew was that as long as it was quiet and solitary, she would be fine. A lake began to form along the horizon as her car cut in and out of sunlight and she smiled to herself turning the wheel to take her down toward the water, parking along the small shops and cottages that lined the shore. Stone steps lead down to the rocky beach, a concrete pier jutting lopsided into the water. She picked her way carefully across the uneven surface planting herself at the end of the pier letting the water lap at her feet. She breathed a sigh of relief as her mind slowly cleared itself of the chaos for the first time in days.

via Daily Prompt: Cringe

Happiness…

Means staring at a computer screen for hours putting words out into the aether and seeing what you get back. 9/10 there is silence. Silence in the aether and that’s wonderful because they read. People visit and read and hopefully, enjoy. 
And that’s all I could ever ask for. 

For the Boy

This is for the boy who told me he loved me everyday. I always laughed in the sort of way that made it seem like I thought you were kidding. Honestly I thought you were.

I’m so sorry.

Now, for all I know, that boy was serious and I…I laughed in his face. For all I know I laughed at what I believed was a joke, because how could it have been anything more than a cruel joke? I’ve always had low self-esteem so everyone laugh at the chubby girl who thinks the boy is serious when he says “You know what? I love you.”

Yeah…

This is for the boy who broke my heart. Not because he left. No, because after so many years it only took a week to forget me. This is for the boy who made me wonder if he even cared at all. Shattered me into a thousand pieces because I couldn’t be sure anymore, and there are some of those pieces still missing even now, though I’m a better person because of it. But this is also for the same boy, because before all of that he made me realize that someone could want me for everything I was.

This is for the boy.

Because the boy has taught me a lot over the years.

But really?

This is for the man.

The man who found me at a strange point in life when I was just remembering who I was. He was the one who, despite all of that, still kept me around. This is for the man who calls me out on my bullshit when I forget that the world does not revolve around me. The one who will tell me that I am “good people” even when I feel like I’m not. The one who sees me at my worst, but will still accept me when I apologize for being so much to handle, because I know I can be and I appreciate the ones who try to handle it. This is for the man who makes me smile when I need it most, even if he doesn’t know. Who’s jokes aren’t great, but they make me laugh nonetheless.

This is for the man who reminds me that even if our paths are not meant to continue together that there are so many like him. The ones who will keep me grounded, make me laugh and treat me like I matter like I make them matter. This man means the world to me, and I am thankful everyday that he fell ass-backwards into my life. You’ve made me a better person. This is for you…

And this is for the boy.